Daniel Danes Stand-up Comedy

I did an open mic.  I use a stage name, given the fact that my real name is waaayyy too difficult for most people to pronounce accurately.

Check it:

http://www.youtube.com/user/DanielDanesComedy?feature=mhum

Saudi man gets caught nailing the maid

Based on the article "Doctors remove nails allegedly hammered into maid by employers" found here: http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/asiapcf/08/27/sri.lanka.maid.assault/index.html?hpt=T2


My comments in italics and enclosed by "( )."


(LoL) -- Doctors at a Sri Lankan hospital operated for three hours Friday to remove 18 nails and metal particles allegedly hammered into the arms, legs and forehead of a maid, Lahadapurage Daneris Ariyawathie, by her Saudi employer.  (And you thought your boss was a dick.  Sure, your boss might be inept, lazy and condescending, but does he/she drive nails into your extremities...and face?  No?  Well, then quitcherbitchin!)


She was held down by her employer's wife (the couple that pounds metal things into their servant's body together, stays together) while the employer hammered the heated nails (Holy ess!  HEATED nails.  'Cuz, you know, having unheated nails driven into your body is so unrelaxing.  And potentially unsterile) Ruhunuge told CNN. She apparently had complained to the couple that she was being overworked (I'm guessing the complaint was not registered by a note found in one of those anonymous comment boxes.  I'm also guessing this guy will not be getting a "World's Best Boss" mug from his employees this year).


Ariyawathie, 49, is a mother of two children who were opposed to their mother's journey to Saudi Arabia for work (Really?  That's odd, considering the Middle East has such a great reputation for welcoming women servants).


Sri Lankan officials, meanwhile, met with Saudi diplomats in Colombo to urge an investigation into the incident (It is expected that Saudi officials will do everything they can to bring this nail-smuggling woman to justice).  


"It was cruel treatment which should be roundly condemned," said L.K. Ruhunuge of the Sri Lanka Bureau of Foreign Employment (this sentiment was seconded by the guy from Hellraiser).


Ariyawathie's dream was to one day return to Sri Lanka and build a house with the money she saved (Mission accomplished, girl.  You're back home and already have the nails needed to begin construction on your dream hut!)


Saudi officials were not immediately available for comment (they were apparently busy nailing the secretary, because "the slut was showing some ankle in public").

Kim Jong Ill Feelings

Based on the article "North Korea demands apology, reparations from Japan over colonization" found here: http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/asiapcf/08/22/nkorea.japan.apology/index.html?hpt=T2

(LoL) -- Recently, Tokyo apologized to South Korea, expressing "deep regret over the suffering inflicted" during Japan's colonial rule of the entire Korean peninsula during the early 1900's, marking the second time the Japanese government has issued an "our bad" to Seoul.


North Korea, however, not so much.


Once again Japan shunned North Korea, which is less commonly known as the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, which is an ironic name considering it is neither very Democraticy nor Republicy.


The recent apology to South Korea prompted a North Korean official to declare that Japanese imperialist forces brought about "unspeakably horrible misfortune and sufferings and disasters to the Korean nation."  


The official, Speaker #413 then said, "Oh, er...whoops!  Those were my personal notes describing our current leader Kim Jong-Il.  Let's see....ah, here are my notes on Japanese colonists:  Japan should ma--"


At this time, the North Korean official was shanked multiple times and removed from the podium by uniformed North Korean military personnel.  A brief stage show featuring a juggler riding a unicycle was quickly brought on stage to attract attention away from the clean-up crew which was working to discretely mop up any spilled blood.  


Speaker #414 then addressed the press.


"Hey, guys.  So, um...what we were saying was (the following is an official statement), 'Japan should make a sincere apology and make full reparation to the Korean nation for its aggression and crimes against humanity.'"


It might have prudent at this point for someone to point out that Kim Jong-Il has probably committed more crimes against humanity on his people than any other entity to ever set foot on North Korean soil, but given that Jong-Il was in attendance, peering evilly over his cheesy-ass, aviator-style, Blue Blocker shades, everyone kinda just bitched out.  


Upon leaving the podium, Speaker #414 was seen passing a note to a foreign member of the press.  The note read, "Dude, seriously...Kim Jong-Il is f*cking insane.  He's like a fat, little, evil asian Elvis-wanna be with traits similar to Hitler, Bin Laden, Satan, Oompa Loompas, and the Chucky Doll.  Get me the HELL out of here!  Please!!!"


Moments later, the note was discovered.  Moments after that, it was announced that Speaker #415 had been promoted.


To celebrate the promotion, Jong-Il did a karaoke version of Elvis' "I Can't Help Falling in Love with You," which of course sounded more like "I Kent Hewp Faw-ring in Ruv wee You."


Despite issues with pronunciation, pitch, melody and timing, the performance drew rave reviews from the crowd on hand.   

Your Next Truck Could Be A Super Doodie

Based on the article "From the toilet to the tank: Truck powered by human waste" found here: http://www.nbc-2.com/Global/story.asp?S=13019422


(LoL) -- Flint, MI unveiled its first biogas vehicle on Thursday.


The Chevrolet heavy doodie duty pickup "can run on either gas or biomethane made from human waste."


Seriously, no shit.


The truck is "intended to educate, enlighten, and employ."  However, unintended side effects of the project may include a limitless arsenal of shit-related jokes constantly being leveled at the vehicle wherever it travels, really bad emissions...like, really bad, and owners of the vehicle routinely being spotted in awkward positions on the side of the highway as they attempt to defecate into the gas tank while on their tippy toes.


One highway patrolman went on record as saying, "Oh, I can't wait to initiate a vehicle stop on this thing!  Me and the boys back at the station have been working on some real zingers.  We're gonna wait for the driver to ask us why we pulled him over, and then say things like, 'For going squirty-five in a squirty.  For driving a piece of shit down the road.  Can I see your license, registration, insurance papers...and toilet paper?  For failure to plop at a plop sign.  For not wasting a natural resource.  Is this truck a two-and-a-half ton, or just a deuce?  For driving while constipated.  For..."  


At this point the patrolman was interrupted by a superior officer who asked, "Hey, did you tell the 'plop sign' one yet?"  The patrolmen confirmed that indeed he had already told the "plop sign" joke and the officers left the area together in search of suspicious minorities.

A large barrel in the truck bed holds biomethane and students involved in the project say it's not that difficult to install.  Although, according to one student, filling the tank "can be a real bitch if there's not a Taco Bell around."

While the vehicle gets decent gas mileage, Bryce, one of the students currently showing the truck recalled running out of fuel on his most recent outing.  "Luckily, Steve was hungover and totally had the beer shits.  Otherwise, we might not have made it here."

Flint city officials, known for their economic savvy and effective tourism campaign, want to convert the city's entire fleet of vehicles to biogas, stating "it's not just about energy, but employment.

"If you want to have the jobs, you've got to have the innovation and the good ideas.  That's what's always fueled the auto industry from its early days.  That's what made Flint such a hot spot.  Now we've got to do it again," says Flint Mayor Dayne Walling.

The mayor was then made fun of for thinking that the poop-mobile would save the economically depressed region and for referring to Flint as a "hot spot."

"Hot Spot?  More like hot plate," cracked one observer.

Worth noting is the vehicle's unique owner's manual, which includes TV listings, short-stories and several comics, apparently for the owner to read while "fillin' 'er up."

Oregon state officials have suggested that, despite current laws requiring full-service gas stations, any biogas vehicles would be considered a strictly self-service vehicle.  

Haitians Gonna Hate

Based on the article "Wyclef Jean's presidential candidacy in limbo" found here: http://www.cnn.com/2010/SHOWBIZ/08/18/haiti.wyclef.bid/index.html

(LoL) -- Wyclef Jean, member of the former hip-hop group The Fugees, continues to face challenges in his race to become Haiti's next president.

Ever since announcing his candidacy for the Haitian high office, the people of Haiti have been...well, hatin'.

Even his former musical mate, Pras, has issued public statements in opposition of Wyclef's run for office.  First Lauren Hill leaves the band, and now this?  C'mon, Pras!  What have you done since "Ghetto Superstar"!?!

Exactly.  

Perhaps most damning of all were doubts expressed by Sean Penn, who questioned Jean's ability to lead the devastated nation.  Penn, who is best known for getting 1,743rds on Madonna (and then marrying her!), is a *cough, cough* well-respected political figure *cough, cough* ("Mr. I am Sam" couldn't sniff Bono's jock strap.  I don't know that Bono has a jock strap...I'm not really sure why he'd need one, but if he had one, Penn couldn't sniff it.  And, I don't know why Penn would want to sniff Bono's jock strap.  That's kinda gross.  But, the point remains...if Bono had a jock strap and Penn wanted to sniff it, he couldn't.  I don't know who would deny him access to Bono's jock strap or what other factors would go into preventing Sean Penn from sniffing Bono's jock strap.  But, for imaginary purposes, when it comes to Penn trying to sniff Bono's jock strap, it'd be like Bono's jock strap was in a heavily-guarded underground facility located in Siberia, and the actual jock strap itself would be frozen in carbonite, surrounded by moats that had sharks with laser beam eyes, and the room would be monitored by Jack Bauer, James Bond, Robo-Cop and Chuck Norris, with an alarm system custom programmed to pick up on Sean Penn's pheromones and greasy hair gel, which when triggered would flood the room with lava and acidic gasses.  Penn would seriously not be able to sniff the jock strap.  No way), and when he talks about international politics, people tend to listen.  And by listen, I mean get annoyed.

Jean's lawyer has admitted that the ex-Fugee has received multiple death threats.

Apparently, the people of Haiti do not fully understand the kind of leadership potential Jean possesses.  For example, his reputation for honesty is unmatched.  After all, this is a man whose honesty is so potent it literally can prevent Shakira's hips from lying.  And everyone knows the degree of difficulty in controlling those hips is very high.

Haitians understandably have the right to be concerned about Wyclef's ability to effectively run the country.  After all, things have been going so well for the island nation for the last thirty years or so.

Wouldn't want to mess up a good thing.

Ready or Not, it appears that Wyclef, the visionary pioneer who gave the world the "Stripper Song," will have to realize that his presidential hopes might be Gone til November.

Mother Deals with Crying Baby on Plane, Inexplicably Not Rewarded

Based on the article "Witnesses: Woman slapped baby on plane" found here: http://www.cnn.com/2010/US/08/17/new.mexico.flight.incident/index.html?hpt=T2

My comments in italics and contained in "( )"

(LoL) -- According to the article, Police "questioned a Georgia woman after witnesses said they saw her slap her 13-month-old child during a flight.  


A flight attendant on a Southwest Airlines flight told police she saw the woman 'strike the child with an open hand on the face in an attempt to get the child to stop crying.'  (Awesome.  I hate crying babies.  Especially when I am forced to be in close proximity to them.  Any actions taken in an attempt to stop the eardrum-piercing, banshee-like screams of an annoying, ungrateful infant on an airplane is fine by me.  If I could slap the shit out of other people's babies, I would.  I'm sure it would be more effective than the hideously evil look I give the kid when its parents aren't paying attention.)   


Several passengers were upset by the behavior, the flight attendant told police.  (Meanwhile, other passengers were lining up to take turns lightly-slapping and/or shaking the baby.)


According to the police report, the woman told officers she only slapped her child after she was kicked.  (Sounds like self-defense to me.  Case closed.)  


Asked if she thought it was okay to hit a 13-month-old baby, the woman nodded to police and said, 'She's my daughter.'"  (So, in your face, police!  I brought this ungrateful brat into the world, I can take her out of it.  That's just simple Bill Cosby-style parenting, right there.  It will be a travesty if this woman does not receive either a "World's Greatest Mom" coffee mug or a "Best Example of Parenting on a Crowded Airplane" award.  Just sayin').

Craigslist Killer Strikes Again!

Based on the article "Accused 'Craigslist killer' found dead in jail cell" found here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/38713628/ns/us_news-crime_and_courts/?gt1=43001 


(LoL) -- The Craigslist Killer has managed to claim another victim.  


Amazingly, in his boldest killing yet, he was able to execute the crime from behind bars.


Philip Markoff, 24, was found unresponsive in his cell Sunday morning in the Nashua Street Jail, the Suffolk County district attorney's office said in an e-mailed statement and not via a Craigslist posting.


"Markoff was alone in his cell, and all evidence collected thus far indicates that he took his own life," the statement said.


In addition to the physical evidence suggesting suicide, Markoff left the following suicide note: 

Looking for Rope, Razor Blades or lots of Sleeping Pills - $1 (Boston Jail)

---

Date: 2010-08-14, 10:02 AM ET
Reply to: WorstMedStudentAndFianceEver@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

---

If you have any extra rope, sharp instruments or other potentially harmful things laying around, I would be happy to take them off your hands.  Just bring to the Boston jail and ask for Phil Markoff.  If they don't know who you're talking about, then just ask for the "Craigslist Killer."  They should know who you mean after you say that.  I might not be able to respond immediately, because of being in jail and all, so feel free to leave the items with my cousin, the "eBay Rapist" or my buddy, the "Amazon Arson."

Oh, and please, no phone calls.  Also, only emails with a pic attached will get a response!       

• Location: Boston
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

-------------------------------

Markoff was engaged at the time of his arrest.  His fiancee, Megan McAllister, ended the relationship with Markoff after visiting him in jail, and their wedding, scheduled for Aug. 14, 2009, was canceled.

Or at least, that's what she wants us all to think.  Obviously, there is the possibility that he dumped her first and now she is just telling all of her friends that it was the other way around in an attempt to make Markoff look bad.