Based on the article "Doctors remove nails allegedly hammered into maid by employers" found here: http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/asiapcf/08/27/sri.lanka.maid.assault/index.html?hpt=T2
My comments in italics and enclosed by "( )."
(LoL) -- Doctors at a Sri Lankan hospital operated for three hours Friday to remove 18 nails and metal particles allegedly hammered into the arms, legs and forehead of a maid, Lahadapurage Daneris Ariyawathie, by her Saudi employer. (And you thought your boss was a dick. Sure, your boss might be inept, lazy and condescending, but does he/she drive nails into your extremities...and face? No? Well, then quitcherbitchin!)
She was held down by her employer's wife (the couple that pounds metal things into their servant's body together, stays together) while the employer hammered the heated nails (Holy ess! HEATED nails. 'Cuz, you know, having unheated nails driven into your body is so unrelaxing. And potentially unsterile) Ruhunuge told CNN. She apparently had complained to the couple that she was being overworked (I'm guessing the complaint was not registered by a note found in one of those anonymous comment boxes. I'm also guessing this guy will not be getting a "World's Best Boss" mug from his employees this year).
Ariyawathie, 49, is a mother of two children who were opposed to their mother's journey to Saudi Arabia for work (Really? That's odd, considering the Middle East has such a great reputation for welcoming women servants).
Sri Lankan officials, meanwhile, met with Saudi diplomats in Colombo to urge an investigation into the incident (It is expected that Saudi officials will do everything they can to bring this nail-smuggling woman to justice).
"It was cruel treatment which should be roundly condemned," said L.K. Ruhunuge of the Sri Lanka Bureau of Foreign Employment (this sentiment was seconded by the guy from Hellraiser).
Ariyawathie's dream was to one day return to Sri Lanka and build a house with the money she saved (Mission accomplished, girl. You're back home and already have the nails needed to begin construction on your dream hut!)
Saudi officials were not immediately available for comment (they were apparently busy nailing the secretary, because "the slut was showing some ankle in public").
Friday, August 27, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Kim Jong Ill Feelings
Based on the article "North Korea demands apology, reparations from Japan over colonization" found here: http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/asiapcf/08/22/nkorea.japan.apology/index.html?hpt=T2
(LoL) -- Recently, Tokyo apologized to South Korea, expressing "deep regret over the suffering inflicted" during Japan's colonial rule of the entire Korean peninsula during the early 1900's, marking the second time the Japanese government has issued an "our bad" to Seoul.
North Korea, however, not so much.
Once again Japan shunned North Korea, which is less commonly known as the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, which is an ironic name considering it is neither very Democraticy nor Republicy.
The recent apology to South Korea prompted a North Korean official to declare that Japanese imperialist forces brought about "unspeakably horrible misfortune and sufferings and disasters to the Korean nation."
The official, Speaker #413 then said, "Oh, er...whoops! Those were my personal notes describing our current leader Kim Jong-Il. Let's see....ah, here are my notes on Japanese colonists: Japan should ma--"
At this time, the North Korean official was shanked multiple times and removed from the podium by uniformed North Korean military personnel. A brief stage show featuring a juggler riding a unicycle was quickly brought on stage to attract attention away from the clean-up crew which was working to discretely mop up any spilled blood.
Speaker #414 then addressed the press.
"Hey, guys. So, um...what we were saying was (the following is an official statement), 'Japan should make a sincere apology and make full reparation to the Korean nation for its aggression and crimes against humanity.'"
It might have prudent at this point for someone to point out that Kim Jong-Il has probably committed more crimes against humanity on his people than any other entity to ever set foot on North Korean soil, but given that Jong-Il was in attendance, peering evilly over his cheesy-ass, aviator-style, Blue Blocker shades, everyone kinda just bitched out.
Upon leaving the podium, Speaker #414 was seen passing a note to a foreign member of the press. The note read, "Dude, seriously...Kim Jong-Il is f*cking insane. He's like a fat, little, evil asian Elvis-wanna be with traits similar to Hitler, Bin Laden, Satan, Oompa Loompas, and the Chucky Doll. Get me the HELL out of here! Please!!!"
Moments later, the note was discovered. Moments after that, it was announced that Speaker #415 had been promoted.
To celebrate the promotion, Jong-Il did a karaoke version of Elvis' "I Can't Help Falling in Love with You," which of course sounded more like "I Kent Hewp Faw-ring in Ruv wee You."
Despite issues with pronunciation, pitch, melody and timing, the performance drew rave reviews from the crowd on hand.
(LoL) -- Recently, Tokyo apologized to South Korea, expressing "deep regret over the suffering inflicted" during Japan's colonial rule of the entire Korean peninsula during the early 1900's, marking the second time the Japanese government has issued an "our bad" to Seoul.
North Korea, however, not so much.
Once again Japan shunned North Korea, which is less commonly known as the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, which is an ironic name considering it is neither very Democraticy nor Republicy.
The recent apology to South Korea prompted a North Korean official to declare that Japanese imperialist forces brought about "unspeakably horrible misfortune and sufferings and disasters to the Korean nation."
The official, Speaker #413 then said, "Oh, er...whoops! Those were my personal notes describing our current leader Kim Jong-Il. Let's see....ah, here are my notes on Japanese colonists: Japan should ma--"
At this time, the North Korean official was shanked multiple times and removed from the podium by uniformed North Korean military personnel. A brief stage show featuring a juggler riding a unicycle was quickly brought on stage to attract attention away from the clean-up crew which was working to discretely mop up any spilled blood.
Speaker #414 then addressed the press.
"Hey, guys. So, um...what we were saying was (the following is an official statement), 'Japan should make a sincere apology and make full reparation to the Korean nation for its aggression and crimes against humanity.'"
It might have prudent at this point for someone to point out that Kim Jong-Il has probably committed more crimes against humanity on his people than any other entity to ever set foot on North Korean soil, but given that Jong-Il was in attendance, peering evilly over his cheesy-ass, aviator-style, Blue Blocker shades, everyone kinda just bitched out.
Upon leaving the podium, Speaker #414 was seen passing a note to a foreign member of the press. The note read, "Dude, seriously...Kim Jong-Il is f*cking insane. He's like a fat, little, evil asian Elvis-wanna be with traits similar to Hitler, Bin Laden, Satan, Oompa Loompas, and the Chucky Doll. Get me the HELL out of here! Please!!!"
Moments later, the note was discovered. Moments after that, it was announced that Speaker #415 had been promoted.
To celebrate the promotion, Jong-Il did a karaoke version of Elvis' "I Can't Help Falling in Love with You," which of course sounded more like "I Kent Hewp Faw-ring in Ruv wee You."
Despite issues with pronunciation, pitch, melody and timing, the performance drew rave reviews from the crowd on hand.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Your Next Truck Could Be A Super Doodie
Based on the article "From the toilet to the tank: Truck powered by human waste" found here: http://www.nbc-2.com/Global/story.asp?S=13019422
(LoL) -- Flint, MI unveiled its first biogas vehicle on Thursday.
The Chevrolet heavydoodie duty pickup "can run on either gas or biomethane made from human waste."
Seriously, no shit.
The truck is "intended to educate, enlighten, and employ." However, unintended side effects of the project may include a limitless arsenal of shit-related jokes constantly being leveled at the vehicle wherever it travels, really bad emissions...like, really bad, and owners of the vehicle routinely being spotted in awkward positions on the side of the highway as they attempt to defecate into the gas tank while on their tippy toes.
One highway patrolman went on record as saying, "Oh, I can't wait to initiate a vehicle stop on this thing! Me and the boys back at the station have been working on some real zingers. We're gonna wait for the driver to ask us why we pulled him over, and then say things like, 'For going squirty-five in a squirty. For driving a piece of shit down the road. Can I see your license, registration, insurance papers...and toilet paper? For failure to plop at a plop sign. For not wasting a natural resource. Is this truck a two-and-a-half ton, or just a deuce? For driving while constipated. For..."
At this point the patrolman was interrupted by a superior officer who asked, "Hey, did you tell the 'plop sign' one yet?" The patrolmen confirmed that indeed he had already told the "plop sign" joke and the officers left the area together in search of suspicious minorities.
(LoL) -- Flint, MI unveiled its first biogas vehicle on Thursday.
The Chevrolet heavy
Seriously, no shit.
The truck is "intended to educate, enlighten, and employ." However, unintended side effects of the project may include a limitless arsenal of shit-related jokes constantly being leveled at the vehicle wherever it travels, really bad emissions...like, really bad, and owners of the vehicle routinely being spotted in awkward positions on the side of the highway as they attempt to defecate into the gas tank while on their tippy toes.
One highway patrolman went on record as saying, "Oh, I can't wait to initiate a vehicle stop on this thing! Me and the boys back at the station have been working on some real zingers. We're gonna wait for the driver to ask us why we pulled him over, and then say things like, 'For going squirty-five in a squirty. For driving a piece of shit down the road. Can I see your license, registration, insurance papers...and toilet paper? For failure to plop at a plop sign. For not wasting a natural resource. Is this truck a two-and-a-half ton, or just a deuce? For driving while constipated. For..."
At this point the patrolman was interrupted by a superior officer who asked, "Hey, did you tell the 'plop sign' one yet?" The patrolmen confirmed that indeed he had already told the "plop sign" joke and the officers left the area together in search of suspicious minorities.
A large barrel in the truck bed holds biomethane and students involved in the project say it's not that difficult to install. Although, according to one student, filling the tank "can be a real bitch if there's not a Taco Bell around."
While the vehicle gets decent gas mileage, Bryce, one of the students currently showing the truck recalled running out of fuel on his most recent outing. "Luckily, Steve was hungover and totally had the beer shits. Otherwise, we might not have made it here."
Flint city officials, known for their economic savvy and effective tourism campaign, want to convert the city's entire fleet of vehicles to biogas, stating "it's not just about energy, but employment.
"If you want to have the jobs, you've got to have the innovation and the good ideas. That's what's always fueled the auto industry from its early days. That's what made Flint such a hot spot. Now we've got to do it again," says Flint Mayor Dayne Walling.
The mayor was then made fun of for thinking that the poop-mobile would save the economically depressed region and for referring to Flint as a "hot spot."
"Hot Spot? More like hot plate," cracked one observer.
Worth noting is the vehicle's unique owner's manual, which includes TV listings, short-stories and several comics, apparently for the owner to read while "fillin' 'er up."
Oregon state officials have suggested that, despite current laws requiring full-service gas stations, any biogas vehicles would be considered a strictly self-service vehicle.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Haitians Gonna Hate
Based on the article "Wyclef Jean's presidential candidacy in limbo" found here: http://www.cnn.com/2010/SHOWBIZ/08/18/haiti.wyclef.bid/index.html
(LoL) -- Wyclef Jean, member of the former hip-hop group The Fugees, continues to face challenges in his race to become Haiti's next president.
Ever since announcing his candidacy for the Haitian high office, the people of Haiti have been...well, hatin'.
Even his former musical mate, Pras, has issued public statements in opposition of Wyclef's run for office. First Lauren Hill leaves the band, and now this? C'mon, Pras! What have you done since "Ghetto Superstar"!?!
Exactly.
Perhaps most damning of all were doubts expressed by Sean Penn, who questioned Jean's ability to lead the devastated nation. Penn, who is best known for getting 1,743rds on Madonna (and then marrying her!), is a *cough, cough* well-respected political figure *cough, cough* ("Mr. I am Sam" couldn't sniff Bono's jock strap. I don't know that Bono has a jock strap...I'm not really sure why he'd need one, but if he had one, Penn couldn't sniff it. And, I don't know why Penn would want to sniff Bono's jock strap. That's kinda gross. But, the point remains...if Bono had a jock strap and Penn wanted to sniff it, he couldn't. I don't know who would deny him access to Bono's jock strap or what other factors would go into preventing Sean Penn from sniffing Bono's jock strap. But, for imaginary purposes, when it comes to Penn trying to sniff Bono's jock strap, it'd be like Bono's jock strap was in a heavily-guarded underground facility located in Siberia, and the actual jock strap itself would be frozen in carbonite, surrounded by moats that had sharks with laser beam eyes, and the room would be monitored by Jack Bauer, James Bond, Robo-Cop and Chuck Norris, with an alarm system custom programmed to pick up on Sean Penn's pheromones and greasy hair gel, which when triggered would flood the room with lava and acidic gasses. Penn would seriously not be able to sniff the jock strap. No way), and when he talks about international politics, people tend to listen. And by listen, I mean get annoyed.
Jean's lawyer has admitted that the ex-Fugee has received multiple death threats.
Apparently, the people of Haiti do not fully understand the kind of leadership potential Jean possesses. For example, his reputation for honesty is unmatched. After all, this is a man whose honesty is so potent it literally can prevent Shakira's hips from lying. And everyone knows the degree of difficulty in controlling those hips is very high.
Haitians understandably have the right to be concerned about Wyclef's ability to effectively run the country. After all, things have been going so well for the island nation for the last thirty years or so.
Wouldn't want to mess up a good thing.
Ready or Not, it appears that Wyclef, the visionary pioneer who gave the world the "Stripper Song," will have to realize that his presidential hopes might be Gone til November.
(LoL) -- Wyclef Jean, member of the former hip-hop group The Fugees, continues to face challenges in his race to become Haiti's next president.
Ever since announcing his candidacy for the Haitian high office, the people of Haiti have been...well, hatin'.
Even his former musical mate, Pras, has issued public statements in opposition of Wyclef's run for office. First Lauren Hill leaves the band, and now this? C'mon, Pras! What have you done since "Ghetto Superstar"!?!
Exactly.
Perhaps most damning of all were doubts expressed by Sean Penn, who questioned Jean's ability to lead the devastated nation. Penn, who is best known for getting 1,743rds on Madonna (and then marrying her!), is a *cough, cough* well-respected political figure *cough, cough* ("Mr. I am Sam" couldn't sniff Bono's jock strap. I don't know that Bono has a jock strap...I'm not really sure why he'd need one, but if he had one, Penn couldn't sniff it. And, I don't know why Penn would want to sniff Bono's jock strap. That's kinda gross. But, the point remains...if Bono had a jock strap and Penn wanted to sniff it, he couldn't. I don't know who would deny him access to Bono's jock strap or what other factors would go into preventing Sean Penn from sniffing Bono's jock strap. But, for imaginary purposes, when it comes to Penn trying to sniff Bono's jock strap, it'd be like Bono's jock strap was in a heavily-guarded underground facility located in Siberia, and the actual jock strap itself would be frozen in carbonite, surrounded by moats that had sharks with laser beam eyes, and the room would be monitored by Jack Bauer, James Bond, Robo-Cop and Chuck Norris, with an alarm system custom programmed to pick up on Sean Penn's pheromones and greasy hair gel, which when triggered would flood the room with lava and acidic gasses. Penn would seriously not be able to sniff the jock strap. No way), and when he talks about international politics, people tend to listen. And by listen, I mean get annoyed.
Jean's lawyer has admitted that the ex-Fugee has received multiple death threats.
Apparently, the people of Haiti do not fully understand the kind of leadership potential Jean possesses. For example, his reputation for honesty is unmatched. After all, this is a man whose honesty is so potent it literally can prevent Shakira's hips from lying. And everyone knows the degree of difficulty in controlling those hips is very high.
Haitians understandably have the right to be concerned about Wyclef's ability to effectively run the country. After all, things have been going so well for the island nation for the last thirty years or so.
Wouldn't want to mess up a good thing.
Ready or Not, it appears that Wyclef, the visionary pioneer who gave the world the "Stripper Song," will have to realize that his presidential hopes might be Gone til November.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Mother Deals with Crying Baby on Plane, Inexplicably Not Rewarded
Based on the article "Witnesses: Woman slapped baby on plane" found here: http://www.cnn.com/2010/US/08/17/new.mexico.flight.incident/index.html?hpt=T2
My comments in italics and contained in "( )"
(LoL) -- According to the article, Police "questioned a Georgia woman after witnesses said they saw her slap her 13-month-old child during a flight.
A flight attendant on a Southwest Airlines flight told police she saw the woman 'strike the child with an open hand on the face in an attempt to get the child to stop crying.' (Awesome. I hate crying babies. Especially when I am forced to be in close proximity to them. Any actions taken in an attempt to stop the eardrum-piercing, banshee-like screams of an annoying, ungrateful infant on an airplane is fine by me. If I could slap the shit out of other people's babies, I would. I'm sure it would be more effective than the hideously evil look I give the kid when its parents aren't paying attention.)
Several passengers were upset by the behavior, the flight attendant told police. (Meanwhile, other passengers were lining up to take turns lightly-slapping and/or shaking the baby.)
According to the police report, the woman told officers she only slapped her child after she was kicked. (Sounds like self-defense to me. Case closed.)
Asked if she thought it was okay to hit a 13-month-old baby, the woman nodded to police and said, 'She's my daughter.'" (So, in your face, police! I brought this ungrateful brat into the world, I can take her out of it. That's just simple Bill Cosby-style parenting, right there. It will be a travesty if this woman does not receive either a "World's Greatest Mom" coffee mug or a "Best Example of Parenting on a Crowded Airplane" award. Just sayin').
My comments in italics and contained in "( )"
(LoL) -- According to the article, Police "questioned a Georgia woman after witnesses said they saw her slap her 13-month-old child during a flight.
A flight attendant on a Southwest Airlines flight told police she saw the woman 'strike the child with an open hand on the face in an attempt to get the child to stop crying.' (Awesome. I hate crying babies. Especially when I am forced to be in close proximity to them. Any actions taken in an attempt to stop the eardrum-piercing, banshee-like screams of an annoying, ungrateful infant on an airplane is fine by me. If I could slap the shit out of other people's babies, I would. I'm sure it would be more effective than the hideously evil look I give the kid when its parents aren't paying attention.)
Several passengers were upset by the behavior, the flight attendant told police. (Meanwhile, other passengers were lining up to take turns lightly-slapping and/or shaking the baby.)
According to the police report, the woman told officers she only slapped her child after she was kicked. (Sounds like self-defense to me. Case closed.)
Asked if she thought it was okay to hit a 13-month-old baby, the woman nodded to police and said, 'She's my daughter.'" (So, in your face, police! I brought this ungrateful brat into the world, I can take her out of it. That's just simple Bill Cosby-style parenting, right there. It will be a travesty if this woman does not receive either a "World's Greatest Mom" coffee mug or a "Best Example of Parenting on a Crowded Airplane" award. Just sayin').
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Craigslist Killer Strikes Again!
Based on the article "Accused 'Craigslist killer' found dead in jail cell" found here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/38713628/ns/us_news-crime_and_courts/?gt1=43001
(LoL) -- The Craigslist Killer has managed to claim another victim.
Amazingly, in his boldest killing yet, he was able to execute the crime from behind bars.
Philip Markoff, 24, was found unresponsive in his cell Sunday morning in the Nashua Street Jail, the Suffolk County district attorney's office said in an e-mailed statement and not via a Craigslist posting.
"Markoff was alone in his cell, and all evidence collected thus far indicates that he took his own life," the statement said.
In addition to the physical evidence suggesting suicide, Markoff left the following suicide note:
Date: 2010-08-14, 10:02 AM ET
Reply to: WorstMedStudentAndFianceEver@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
(LoL) -- The Craigslist Killer has managed to claim another victim.
Amazingly, in his boldest killing yet, he was able to execute the crime from behind bars.
Philip Markoff, 24, was found unresponsive in his cell Sunday morning in the Nashua Street Jail, the Suffolk County district attorney's office said in an e-mailed statement and not via a Craigslist posting.
"Markoff was alone in his cell, and all evidence collected thus far indicates that he took his own life," the statement said.
In addition to the physical evidence suggesting suicide, Markoff left the following suicide note:
Looking for Rope, Razor Blades or lots of Sleeping Pills - $1 (Boston Jail)
Date: 2010-08-14, 10:02 AM ET
Reply to: WorstMedStudentAndFianceEver@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
If you have any extra rope, sharp instruments or other potentially harmful things laying around, I would be happy to take them off your hands. Just bring to the Boston jail and ask for Phil Markoff. If they don't know who you're talking about, then just ask for the "Craigslist Killer." They should know who you mean after you say that. I might not be able to respond immediately, because of being in jail and all, so feel free to leave the items with my cousin, the "eBay Rapist" or my buddy, the "Amazon Arson."
Oh, and please, no phone calls. Also, only emails with a pic attached will get a response!
- Location: Boston
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
-------------------------------
Markoff was engaged at the time of his arrest. His fiancee, Megan McAllister, ended the relationship with Markoff after visiting him in jail, and their wedding, scheduled for Aug. 14, 2009, was canceled.
Or at least, that's what she wants us all to think. Obviously, there is the possibility that he dumped her first and now she is just telling all of her friends that it was the other way around in an attempt to make Markoff look bad.
Friday, August 13, 2010
US Senate Nominee's Solution: Porn and Bobbleheads
Based on the article “Greene indicted on obscenity charges” found here: http://www.cnn.com/2010/POLITICS/08/13/greene.indicted/index.html?hpt=T2
(LoL) – CNN.com is reporting that “U.S. Senate nominee Alvin Greene, a political unknown who became the surprise winner of the South Carolina Democratic primary, was indicted Friday by a grand jury on obscenity charges.”
According to the article, Greene was charged by police for showing “pornographic material to a female University of South Carolina student on a computer in the school's library.
The alleged victim, according to university police, also said Greene asked if he could come to her room.”
The girl most likely responded by asking who the hell he was, and then issuing a curt “no” to Greene. Trust me, I know the response these types of actions usually generate.
Greene's June 8 primary victory stunned politicians in South Carolina because they had never heard of him and saw no proof he had mounted any type of campaign, although there has been subsequent proof that he tried to mount a MILF at a local Wal-Mart.
His Democratic opponent, Vic Rawl (otherwise known as the guy with the worst senate campaign in US history), tried to have the election overturned, saying there were voting machine irregularities. Or at least he really f*cking hopes there were.
While in the military, Greene was denied two promotions and made "mistakes as severe as uploading sensitive information improperly, and as basic as an overall inability to clearly express his thoughts and perform basic tasks," thus making it obvious that this man is more than qualified to hold office as a US Senator.
Lastly, Greene recently attracted attention to his candidacy by proposing to create jobs in South Carolina by making "toys of me, especially for the holidays. Little dolls. Like maybe action dolls. Me in an Army uniform, Air Force uniform, and me in my suit."
Greene, who is without question an idea man - and a guy who knows how to get shit done - will probably also consider releasing a limited edition doll, complete with pimp cane accessory, an “I campaigned for US Senate Democratic Nominee and all I got was this stupid T-shit…oh, and a victory,” and a miniature, diamond encrusted bullhorn, which with a press of the button announces, “I’mma mutha f*ckin’ Senator, Bitch!”
You Got Me Feelin' Ella Good, So I'm Gonna Keep On...
Based on the article "Emergency contraceptive approved by FDA" found here: http://pagingdrgupta.blogs.cnn.com/2010/08/13/emergency-contraceptive-approved-by-fda/?hpt=T2
(LoL) -- According to The Chart, "Ella, a prescription-only emergency contraceptive, has received final approval from the U.S. Food and Drug Administration . . .
This is the first drug legally available for use in the United States that can be used within 120 hours, or five days, of unprotected intercourse . . .
(LoL) -- According to The Chart, "Ella, a prescription-only emergency contraceptive, has received final approval from the U.S. Food and Drug Administration . . .
This is the first drug legally available for use in the United States that can be used within 120 hours, or five days, of unprotected intercourse . . .
Women who are pregnant, or suspect they are pregnant, should not use this product, the FDA said. Women who are breastfeeding should also not use ella."
The last sentence, in my opinion, is ambiguous and could have two meanings, each of which is a bit strange.
The sentence doesn't read, "women who are breastfeeding their babies." It simply states "women who are breastfeeding." Thus, it is plausible to come to the conclusion that, somewhere in the US, there are grown women who are breastfed. Personally, I think it's odd that a grown woman would still be breastfed, and it leads me to ponder whether they are feeding from themselves or another woman. Either way, you know, um, ewww.
The most logical way of interpreting the sentence however, is to assume the warning applies to women who provide breast milk to an infant. Commonsense would tell you that if you are breastfeeding your baby, it is slightly too late to prevent the pregnancy, but I guess not everyone is willing to give up on that late abortion so easily.
Either way, this is good news for all the peeps that like to be hittin' it raw dog. Sure, you might contract AIDS, but at least you won't have to deal with a screaming, crapping baby!
So, next time you go to put on that jimmy hat, remember this little jingle (sung to the tune of Umbrella as made famous by Rhianna), and toss that condom away:
Now that I feel it more than ever,
Know that I don't wanna use a rubber,
You can just take another Ella
You can always take some o'that Ella,
Ella, Ella, ay, ay, ay.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
UPDATE: Stale Cracker is Kosher
It turns out the "Negro Knifer" is actually an Israeli citizen.
Last week, in a post titled "Stale Cracker Deserves a Beatdown from Brothers," it was suggested that racial relations in our country may suffer a setback due to violent crimes being perpetrated against African-American citizens of Flint, Michigan.
However, given that the suspect has turned out to be a citizen of another country, American society need not absorb any racial fallout from these crimes.
While I still believe the suspect should carry the moniker to prison with him, as a country, we can now go back to getting along and being completely devoid of racism.
Last week, in a post titled "Stale Cracker Deserves a Beatdown from Brothers," it was suggested that racial relations in our country may suffer a setback due to violent crimes being perpetrated against African-American citizens of Flint, Michigan.
However, given that the suspect has turned out to be a citizen of another country, American society need not absorb any racial fallout from these crimes.
While I still believe the suspect should carry the moniker to prison with him, as a country, we can now go back to getting along and being completely devoid of racism.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
iPhuck...a lot.
Based on the article "iPhone Users Have More Sex" found here: http://gear.ign.com/articles/111/1111538p1.html
According to a new study, the kind of smartphone you carry could play a role in determining how often you have sex, as the results indicated users of iPhones have more sexual partners than users of other devices.
Of course, this conclusion really doesn't seem that logical, because there are most likely a whole slew of factors not being considered, such as the potential reality that sluts are just more prone to buying the latest trendy gadgets.
But, that hasn't stopped OkCupid, one of the largest free online dating services, from hypothesizing the opposite conclusion: that your trendy gadget can somehow make you (more of) a whore.
Statistics gathered from users of OkCupid showed that by the age of 30, female iPhone owners had had twice as many sexual partners as Android users and 25 percent more than BlackBerry users. Male iPhone users were also shown to have had more sexual partners at 30 than BlackBerry or Android-owning members, though the margins were slightly narrower.
When advised that she might be contacted via cell phone for further questioning, one iPhone user asked if she could have a moment to place her ringer's setting to "vibrate."
So, be advised all you uptight, dusty-crotched BlackBerry users, if you're about to leave the club with an iSlut, you might want to remember: Herpes? There's an app for that.
According to a new study, the kind of smartphone you carry could play a role in determining how often you have sex, as the results indicated users of iPhones have more sexual partners than users of other devices.
Of course, this conclusion really doesn't seem that logical, because there are most likely a whole slew of factors not being considered, such as the potential reality that sluts are just more prone to buying the latest trendy gadgets.
But, that hasn't stopped OkCupid, one of the largest free online dating services, from hypothesizing the opposite conclusion: that your trendy gadget can somehow make you (more of) a whore.
Statistics gathered from users of OkCupid showed that by the age of 30, female iPhone owners had had twice as many sexual partners as Android users and 25 percent more than BlackBerry users. Male iPhone users were also shown to have had more sexual partners at 30 than BlackBerry or Android-owning members, though the margins were slightly narrower.
When advised that she might be contacted via cell phone for further questioning, one iPhone user asked if she could have a moment to place her ringer's setting to "vibrate."
So, be advised all you uptight, dusty-crotched BlackBerry users, if you're about to leave the club with an iSlut, you might want to remember: Herpes? There's an app for that.
Monday, August 9, 2010
News Shots: August 9, 2010
The Dating Scene:
Today is August 9, 2010.
Or 08-09-10, as noted by people with nothing better to observe.
Simpletons will continue to be amused by today's sequential, yet insignificant date over the next 24 hours. Several of these same individuals will totally lose it in a few months, when on October 10th, it will be 10-10-10.
---
Tigress on the Prowl:
American Idol winner, Fantasia Barrino, who was also at risk of being named Sleeping Beauty Barrino before her mother settled on the current first name, has gone somewhat "Tiger Woodsy" and is being accused of having an affair with a married man, Antwaun Cook (how many ways are there to spell "Antwon" by the way?).
Fantasia, has been seen sporting a tattoo on her shoulder that reads "Cook." When asked about the ink, Fantasia denied the affair, saying, "I've only gone to three of four tattoo removal sessions. They've only been able to take off 'World's Number One' so far."
Barrino has reportedly been spoiling Cook over the course of their affair, flying him to Atlanta, Miami, New York, Los Angeles and Barbados.
When asked why, despite being a married man, he would engage in such an affair with Barrino, Cook responded by pointing out that Fantasia has flown him to Atlanta, Miami, New York, Los Angeles and Barbados.
---
American Girls, Notoriously Impatient, Beginning Puberty Earlier than in Past
According to health.com, a study conducted in the mid-2000's has found that more than 10 percent of white 7-year-old girls had reached a stage of breast development marking the start of puberty, compared to just 5 percent in a similar study conducted in the early 1990s.
Black and Hispanic girls continue to mature faster than white girls, on average. Nearly one-quarter of black girls and 15 percent of Hispanic girls had entered puberty by age 7, according to the new study.
White suburban parents weren't entirely discouraged by the news, pointing out that they could still coat their 4 year-old daughter's face with makeup and force her to enter beauty pageants.
A 29 month-old Latina girl politely declined comment, citing the need to get home to shave her legs.
After being asked to verify her age, a 5'10" African-American girl, wearing a large sports-bra simply stated, "I'm this many," while holding up three fingers and chewing the hair of a Barbie doll.
Today is August 9, 2010.
Or 08-09-10, as noted by people with nothing better to observe.
Simpletons will continue to be amused by today's sequential, yet insignificant date over the next 24 hours. Several of these same individuals will totally lose it in a few months, when on October 10th, it will be 10-10-10.
---
Tigress on the Prowl:
American Idol winner, Fantasia Barrino, who was also at risk of being named Sleeping Beauty Barrino before her mother settled on the current first name, has gone somewhat "Tiger Woodsy" and is being accused of having an affair with a married man, Antwaun Cook (how many ways are there to spell "Antwon" by the way?).
Fantasia, has been seen sporting a tattoo on her shoulder that reads "Cook." When asked about the ink, Fantasia denied the affair, saying, "I've only gone to three of four tattoo removal sessions. They've only been able to take off 'World's Number One' so far."
Barrino has reportedly been spoiling Cook over the course of their affair, flying him to Atlanta, Miami, New York, Los Angeles and Barbados.
When asked why, despite being a married man, he would engage in such an affair with Barrino, Cook responded by pointing out that Fantasia has flown him to Atlanta, Miami, New York, Los Angeles and Barbados.
---
American Girls, Notoriously Impatient, Beginning Puberty Earlier than in Past
According to health.com, a study conducted in the mid-2000's has found that more than 10 percent of white 7-year-old girls had reached a stage of breast development marking the start of puberty, compared to just 5 percent in a similar study conducted in the early 1990s.
Pedophiles everywhere rejoiced in the most disgusting way possible.
Black and Hispanic girls continue to mature faster than white girls, on average. Nearly one-quarter of black girls and 15 percent of Hispanic girls had entered puberty by age 7, according to the new study.
White suburban parents weren't entirely discouraged by the news, pointing out that they could still coat their 4 year-old daughter's face with makeup and force her to enter beauty pageants.
A 29 month-old Latina girl politely declined comment, citing the need to get home to shave her legs.
After being asked to verify her age, a 5'10" African-American girl, wearing a large sports-bra simply stated, "I'm this many," while holding up three fingers and chewing the hair of a Barbie doll.
BP? More Like B-minus
Based on the Article "Allen gives BP a mixed grade" found here:
http://www.cnn.com/2010/POLITICS/08/08/allen.spill.lessons/index.html?hpt=Sbin
(LoL) -- The use of a letter-grading system is typically reserved to track and review the performance of school children throughout the year.
So, naturally it is good enough to use when attempting to critique an unmitigated disaster of historic proportions.
Despite the availability of alternative grading systems, such as the "gold-star" or "smiley-face" system, Thad Allen, who according to the article is "the man charged with leading the federal response" to the Gulf spill, recently was asked to give BP a letter grade between "A" and "F" to rate its performance in dealing with the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.
While most people with no apparent significant head trauma would probably assign the oil giant a big-fat "FAIL" or perhaps, the non-existent but still emotionally powerful, "F-minus," Thad Allen gave BP a mixed grade.
The article quotes Allen (my comments are in italics and contained in "( )":
"At the well head, I'm not sure there's any oil company that could have done anything more than they did (besides not engaging in extremely risky deepwater drilling with shaky equipment in the first place). The technology that was needed to be brought in for other parts of the world, was [brought in] (sorry you had to go out of your way, BP). It took a long time to engineer it (yeah, this shit has been leaking for a little while now, hasn't it?). It took a long time to install it. But, ultimately (like, after hundreds of days), it helped us put the cap on and control the well (Ha! Take that, previously free-flowing oil well). So I give them fairly good marks there (Uh....Really!?! Even though they took a long time to get their shit together, they are still doing fairly well just because they paid the shipping cost to bring in equipment that probably should have been there to begin with and installed it? I wish this guy were my teacher in high school.)"
When asked about BP's emotional approach to the human side of the disaster Allen said in a disjointed and awkward-to-read way:
"What BP is not good at: they're a large global oil production company (I wish this were the end of the quote. That would be funny). They don't do retail sales or deal with individuals on a transactional basis (If only BP operated more like a retail giant, because Wal-Mart and Baby Gap are shimmering beacons of true humanitarian services and emotional intelligence). Anything that's involved, that has been a real struggle for them.
It's something they don't naturally have a capacity (just like being able to generate their own body heat) or a competency in their company (the lack of competency remark actually makes sense) and it's been very, very hard for them to understand (you know, being that they are not of this Earth and struggling to understand our silly human emotions). And that's the lens by which the American people view them and that's the area where they need to improve the most (well, that and drilling without spilling)."
As for the technology involved in capping the well, Allen had this to say:
"I think what everybody's learned moving through this is that there's going to have to be a different type of production method out there that includes the type of technology that they've used to cap this well and capture the oil and that needs to be a permanent part moving forward."
(Right. So, the take-home lesson isn't that the oil companies shouldn't attempt risky deepwater drilling in the first place, but rather that making sure the same equipment used in this bungled clean-up attempt is more readily available. I was kind of hoping the moral of this story would be that the most powerful corporations in the world would recognize that it's getting increasingly harder to drill for, extract and refine a nonrenewable resource, and that perhaps technology should be used to promote a plethora of the alternative energies that would have already been viable options today if their development wasn't stifled twenty years ago...by these same companies...who all have departments dedicated to researching alternative, eco-friendly energy solutions seemingly only for the sake of being to run feel-good commercials to let us all know they are doing their part for the Earth.)
He added that the oil and gas industry is already starting to consider forming a consortium "to keep this type of equipment and take a look at it. And that's going to have to be a fundamental part of this."
I don't know about you, but my confidence is suddenly renewed! It sounds as though the industry leaders are toying with the idea of maybe hand-picking a group of individuals that can somehow store and examine the same equipment that is being used in the Gulf oil spill containment situation today.
What could go wrong?
And before I forget, Thad Allen when it comes to assigning grades, you can give yourself an "F."
http://www.cnn.com/2010/POLITICS/08/08/allen.spill.lessons/index.html?hpt=Sbin
(LoL) -- The use of a letter-grading system is typically reserved to track and review the performance of school children throughout the year.
So, naturally it is good enough to use when attempting to critique an unmitigated disaster of historic proportions.
Despite the availability of alternative grading systems, such as the "gold-star" or "smiley-face" system, Thad Allen, who according to the article is "the man charged with leading the federal response" to the Gulf spill, recently was asked to give BP a letter grade between "A" and "F" to rate its performance in dealing with the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.
While most people with no apparent significant head trauma would probably assign the oil giant a big-fat "FAIL" or perhaps, the non-existent but still emotionally powerful, "F-minus," Thad Allen gave BP a mixed grade.
The article quotes Allen (my comments are in italics and contained in "( )":
"At the well head, I'm not sure there's any oil company that could have done anything more than they did (besides not engaging in extremely risky deepwater drilling with shaky equipment in the first place). The technology that was needed to be brought in for other parts of the world, was [brought in] (sorry you had to go out of your way, BP). It took a long time to engineer it (yeah, this shit has been leaking for a little while now, hasn't it?). It took a long time to install it. But, ultimately (like, after hundreds of days), it helped us put the cap on and control the well (Ha! Take that, previously free-flowing oil well). So I give them fairly good marks there (Uh....Really!?! Even though they took a long time to get their shit together, they are still doing fairly well just because they paid the shipping cost to bring in equipment that probably should have been there to begin with and installed it? I wish this guy were my teacher in high school.)"
When asked about BP's emotional approach to the human side of the disaster Allen said in a disjointed and awkward-to-read way:
"What BP is not good at: they're a large global oil production company (I wish this were the end of the quote. That would be funny). They don't do retail sales or deal with individuals on a transactional basis (If only BP operated more like a retail giant, because Wal-Mart and Baby Gap are shimmering beacons of true humanitarian services and emotional intelligence). Anything that's involved, that has been a real struggle for them.
It's something they don't naturally have a capacity (just like being able to generate their own body heat) or a competency in their company (the lack of competency remark actually makes sense) and it's been very, very hard for them to understand (you know, being that they are not of this Earth and struggling to understand our silly human emotions). And that's the lens by which the American people view them and that's the area where they need to improve the most (well, that and drilling without spilling)."
As for the technology involved in capping the well, Allen had this to say:
"I think what everybody's learned moving through this is that there's going to have to be a different type of production method out there that includes the type of technology that they've used to cap this well and capture the oil and that needs to be a permanent part moving forward."
(Right. So, the take-home lesson isn't that the oil companies shouldn't attempt risky deepwater drilling in the first place, but rather that making sure the same equipment used in this bungled clean-up attempt is more readily available. I was kind of hoping the moral of this story would be that the most powerful corporations in the world would recognize that it's getting increasingly harder to drill for, extract and refine a nonrenewable resource, and that perhaps technology should be used to promote a plethora of the alternative energies that would have already been viable options today if their development wasn't stifled twenty years ago...by these same companies...who all have departments dedicated to researching alternative, eco-friendly energy solutions seemingly only for the sake of being to run feel-good commercials to let us all know they are doing their part for the Earth.)
He added that the oil and gas industry is already starting to consider forming a consortium "to keep this type of equipment and take a look at it. And that's going to have to be a fundamental part of this."
I don't know about you, but my confidence is suddenly renewed! It sounds as though the industry leaders are toying with the idea of maybe hand-picking a group of individuals that can somehow store and examine the same equipment that is being used in the Gulf oil spill containment situation today.
What could go wrong?
And before I forget, Thad Allen when it comes to assigning grades, you can give yourself an "F."
Former Man, Mall Cop, Now a Woman, Supreme Court Justice
(LoL) -- After years of being held back from meaningful career advancement, a former mall security guard underwent a sex-change operation in order to become a woman, and thus, earn more money and realize true career achievement.
The move has paid dividends for the person once known to friends and family as Paul Blart, Mall Cop.
Since assuming the gender of "female" and the name "Elena Kagan," Blart's career success has sky-rocketed, landing her the title of United States Supreme Court Justice.
Photos: (top) Now-Kagan asks the tough questions at some kind of important meeting, (bottom) then-Blart, in mall security uniform.
"I can remember Paul being very unsatisfied as a mall security guard." recalled Kagan/Blart, in the weird way that most transgender persons refer to their old-self as a third person who is now deceased, "He just wanted more out of life, but could never quite get there."
"It seemed like everywhere I...er, he went, doors were being closed on him. Then one night while watching [insert name of any current sitcom here], it all clicked. There was this dumb, fat, ugly, feeble husband with a smart, attractive, witty wife.
Then I saw the Corona beer commercials. You know the ones with the guy who gets totally hosed for checking out hot babes, but his female counterpart eye-humps the hell out of a strapping man without any retribution whatsoever?
Well, all of that just confirmed my suspicions that we're living in a society in which men are viewed as dumb pigs, and if you want to make some money and really get ahead in this world, you've got to go gal!"
That is when then-Blart decided to become now-Kagan.
The decision has undeniably been nothing short of a steroid-style boost for Kagan/Blart's professional life. Once stuck in the unrewarding role of a retail shopping center peace-keeping dispenser of justice, Kagan/Blart now will weigh in on some of the most controversial laws and cases currently facing the United States.
"It's pretty simple," said Kagan/Blart as she remained standing while going Number One.
"If you want to make more money and be treated with some respect in this country, it certainly helps to be a woman."
The move has paid dividends for the person once known to friends and family as Paul Blart, Mall Cop.
Since assuming the gender of "female" and the name "Elena Kagan," Blart's career success has sky-rocketed, landing her the title of United States Supreme Court Justice.
Photos: (top) Now-Kagan asks the tough questions at some kind of important meeting, (bottom) then-Blart, in mall security uniform.
"I can remember Paul being very unsatisfied as a mall security guard." recalled Kagan/Blart, in the weird way that most transgender persons refer to their old-self as a third person who is now deceased, "He just wanted more out of life, but could never quite get there."
"It seemed like everywhere I...er, he went, doors were being closed on him. Then one night while watching [insert name of any current sitcom here], it all clicked. There was this dumb, fat, ugly, feeble husband with a smart, attractive, witty wife.
Then I saw the Corona beer commercials. You know the ones with the guy who gets totally hosed for checking out hot babes, but his female counterpart eye-humps the hell out of a strapping man without any retribution whatsoever?
Well, all of that just confirmed my suspicions that we're living in a society in which men are viewed as dumb pigs, and if you want to make some money and really get ahead in this world, you've got to go gal!"
That is when then-Blart decided to become now-Kagan.
The decision has undeniably been nothing short of a steroid-style boost for Kagan/Blart's professional life. Once stuck in the unrewarding role of a retail shopping center peace-keeping dispenser of justice, Kagan/Blart now will weigh in on some of the most controversial laws and cases currently facing the United States.
"It's pretty simple," said Kagan/Blart as she remained standing while going Number One.
"If you want to make more money and be treated with some respect in this country, it certainly helps to be a woman."
Saturday, August 7, 2010
I'll Be Back...With Your Marriage License
Based on the article "Schwarzenegger: Let Same-Sex Weddings Resume Now"
(LoL) -- Take a second to imagine Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, least known for his role as John G. Nicolay's voice in a 1992 made for TV movie called "Lincoln," approaching the governor's podium and declaring, "Let same-sex weddings resume now."
It went something like this, didn't it:
"Let same-sex weddings resume...
...NOOOWWWWW!!!"
The Governator has officially called for an immediate lift on the ban of same-sex marriages following a ruling from the California Supreme Court earlier this week that overturned the controversial (and just plain mean and unnecessary) Proposition 8. The ruling was detailed in a 136-page decision, 132 pages of which have yet to be read by anyone.
Proposition 8, which had the support of the Target Corporation and Mormons everywhere, went into effect after California voters approved the ballot measure (That wasn't a misprint. California actually went all conservative up in this beeyotch for a minute). The proposition denied gays the right to get married and be miserable forever after, while the rest of us were still free to rush into marriage and later regret it some 18 months down the line.
While it came as a surprise to some Californians that the governor would so strongly support the court's ruling, they were shown the following picture, and it all clicked:
Published August 07, 2010
| Associated Press
(LoL) -- Take a second to imagine Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, least known for his role as John G. Nicolay's voice in a 1992 made for TV movie called "Lincoln," approaching the governor's podium and declaring, "Let same-sex weddings resume now."
It went something like this, didn't it:
"Let same-sex weddings resume...
...NOOOWWWWW!!!"
The Governator has officially called for an immediate lift on the ban of same-sex marriages following a ruling from the California Supreme Court earlier this week that overturned the controversial (and just plain mean and unnecessary) Proposition 8. The ruling was detailed in a 136-page decision, 132 pages of which have yet to be read by anyone.
Proposition 8, which had the support of the Target Corporation and Mormons everywhere, went into effect after California voters approved the ballot measure (That wasn't a misprint. California actually went all conservative up in this beeyotch for a minute). The proposition denied gays the right to get married and be miserable forever after, while the rest of us were still free to rush into marriage and later regret it some 18 months down the line.
While it came as a surprise to some Californians that the governor would so strongly support the court's ruling, they were shown the following picture, and it all clicked:
That's right.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is ssthoooo gay!
Or at least transgender.
How else can one explain his ability to portray a pregnant man in 1994's uncritically acclaimed "Junior" directed by Ivan Reitman, who no longer makes good films and could potentially ruin the "Ghostbusters" franchise with a third installation due out in 2012. Special effects weren't good enough back then to make a man appear pregnant.
Also, Schwarzenegger kissed Jamie Lee Curtis multiple times, and everyone knows she was born a hermaphrodite.
Per the real article, "The measure's sponsors have asked the judge to keep the ban in effect until their appeal of Walker's ruling invalidating Proposition 8 is decided by higher courts."
Or at least until Jesus comes back and God kills all the gays.
Also, "lawyers for sponsors of Proposition 8 said Friday they would seek an emergency order from the 9th Circuit to prevent [the issuance of marriage licenses] from happening." But, because it's the 9th Circuit, they will likely be told to piss off and hopefully somebody will remind Prop 8 supporters that the country has already heard similar weak-ass, bigoty-laden arguments fifty years ago during the Civil Rights Movement.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Stale Cracker Deserves Beatdown from Brothers
Based on the article "13 stabbings, 5 deaths raise fears in Flint, Michigan" found at http://www.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/08/06/michigan.stabbing.deaths/index.html?iref=NS1
(LoL) -- First of all, it should be noted that 12 stabbings and 4 deaths in Flint, Michigan wouldn't lift an eyebrow.
But 13 stabbings and 5 deaths? Hmm. You've got the attention of Flintonians (I really have no idea what people from Flint are called, but "Flintonians" sounds classy. Other options were Flintonese, Flintstoners, Flintolites, and Flintologists).
Police are looking for a white male who has been committing violent crimes against black males (take that, social preconceptions!). In fact, all of the victims have been black males.
Reportedly, the white male (hereinafter referred to as "Cracker Ass Cracker Son of a Bitch" or CACSOB, for short) in many of the cases has lured "his victims to his car by appearing to have car trouble or needing directions. He then began stabbing the victims, all of whom are described as smaller men. In two cases they were people with special needs."
Okay, timeout.
Really!?! I mean, really, dude? Despite the whole First-Black-President thing, it's not like racial relations in America are completely stable. But, before we go down the racism rabbit-hole, we have to allow the professional reporters to chime in.
Per the article, "Race may be a factor in the crimes: All of the stabbing victims are African-American and the perpetrator is described by surviving victims as a white male, according to. . ."
Alright, stop right there.
"Race may be a factor"!?!
ALL of the victims are black.
The suspect is white.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and half-hazardly state that race is one-hundred percent, undeniably, in no uncertain terms, a mother-f*cking factor.
Even if race-based factors were not motivators for CACSOB to stab the living shit out of African-American males, which clearly they are, unless he starts shanking on an equal opportunistic level, race will be the largest issue in this case.
And it should be. Not only for societal concerns, but for legal recourse as well.
If the roles were reversed, and a black male were making pin cushions out of white guys, this case would have been sensationalized in the media to the point where the top half of Bill O'Reilly's head literally separated from his lower jaw. Nancy Grace and Rush Limbaugh would be taken to a bomb shelter and ordered to begin procreating for the sake of W.A.S.P.s everywhere.
Legally, this should be treated as a hate crime, because hate crimes carry tougher sentences. And when you prey upon people's natural instincts to help others in distress, or when you stab individuals who already require special needs, you deserve the maximum punishment.
But, I propose we take it a step further.
I propose that this serial killer be given a new moniker.
"The Negro Knifer."
Yes, it seems insensitive and politically incorrect. But, do you know what would happen to you if you went to prison with the nickname "Negro Knifer?"
Justice. Prison-style.
There would be a train of brothers ready to beat CACSOB's ass until all that was left was a bloody, ignorant stub, and he would deserve every last violent strike.
Lastly, I would like to point out that only 5 of the 13 victims have died. Which just goes to show that brothers can take some abuse and keep on keepin' on.
So, stay strong Flint, Michigan. Don't let the racially motivates crimes of an isolated, disturbed Cracker Ass Cracker serve as a measuring stick for race relations in the United States today.
And, if he gets caught?
Then send him to prison.
As the "Negro Knifer."
STORY HIGHLIGHTS
- Stabbings have occurred from late May through this week, police say
- All the victims have been African-Americans
- "He is trying to hurt people who are helping him," the lead investigator says
(LoL) -- First of all, it should be noted that 12 stabbings and 4 deaths in Flint, Michigan wouldn't lift an eyebrow.
But 13 stabbings and 5 deaths? Hmm. You've got the attention of Flintonians (I really have no idea what people from Flint are called, but "Flintonians" sounds classy. Other options were Flintonese, Flintstoners, Flintolites, and Flintologists).
Police are looking for a white male who has been committing violent crimes against black males (take that, social preconceptions!). In fact, all of the victims have been black males.
Reportedly, the white male (hereinafter referred to as "Cracker Ass Cracker Son of a Bitch" or CACSOB, for short) in many of the cases has lured "his victims to his car by appearing to have car trouble or needing directions. He then began stabbing the victims, all of whom are described as smaller men. In two cases they were people with special needs."
Okay, timeout.
Really!?! I mean, really, dude? Despite the whole First-Black-President thing, it's not like racial relations in America are completely stable. But, before we go down the racism rabbit-hole, we have to allow the professional reporters to chime in.
Per the article, "Race may be a factor in the crimes: All of the stabbing victims are African-American and the perpetrator is described by surviving victims as a white male, according to. . ."
Alright, stop right there.
"Race may be a factor"!?!
ALL of the victims are black.
The suspect is white.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and half-hazardly state that race is one-hundred percent, undeniably, in no uncertain terms, a mother-f*cking factor.
Even if race-based factors were not motivators for CACSOB to stab the living shit out of African-American males, which clearly they are, unless he starts shanking on an equal opportunistic level, race will be the largest issue in this case.
And it should be. Not only for societal concerns, but for legal recourse as well.
If the roles were reversed, and a black male were making pin cushions out of white guys, this case would have been sensationalized in the media to the point where the top half of Bill O'Reilly's head literally separated from his lower jaw. Nancy Grace and Rush Limbaugh would be taken to a bomb shelter and ordered to begin procreating for the sake of W.A.S.P.s everywhere.
Legally, this should be treated as a hate crime, because hate crimes carry tougher sentences. And when you prey upon people's natural instincts to help others in distress, or when you stab individuals who already require special needs, you deserve the maximum punishment.
But, I propose we take it a step further.
I propose that this serial killer be given a new moniker.
"The Negro Knifer."
Yes, it seems insensitive and politically incorrect. But, do you know what would happen to you if you went to prison with the nickname "Negro Knifer?"
Justice. Prison-style.
There would be a train of brothers ready to beat CACSOB's ass until all that was left was a bloody, ignorant stub, and he would deserve every last violent strike.
Lastly, I would like to point out that only 5 of the 13 victims have died. Which just goes to show that brothers can take some abuse and keep on keepin' on.
So, stay strong Flint, Michigan. Don't let the racially motivates crimes of an isolated, disturbed Cracker Ass Cracker serve as a measuring stick for race relations in the United States today.
And, if he gets caught?
Then send him to prison.
As the "Negro Knifer."
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