Tar Balls -- Unfortunately, Not the Name of a Mel Brooks Sequel

Based on the article, "Trashing tar balls on the Gulf: Is there a better way than dumping it?" found on CNN.com @ http://www.cnn.com/2010/US/08/05/oil.recycle/index.html?hpt=T2.

STORY HIGHLIGHTS

• BP and landfill operator agree to keep waste in staging area
• Several methods to reuse and recycle the waste were proposed
• Recycling the waste can cost up to twice as much as disposing of it
• BP says it is still evaluating and testing recycling options

(LoL) -- Citizens of Gulfport, the Gulf Coast town that is currently experiencing what BP might call a bit of a snafu, or "dangerous surf conditions," are understandably pissed.
  

They've got tar balls.  Lots of them.

I get pissed when I have slightly-chaffed balls, so I can imagine what having tar balls would do for your attitude on any given day.

BP and its contractor were dumping these toxic tar ball treats in the local landfill.  Normally, dumping 40,000 tons of toxic waste in a town that you have spent the past few months drenching in sticky, petroleum-based goop (thus ruining the local economy, destroying livelihoods and genocidally slaughtering any wildlife in the region) would seem like a bad idea to anyone.

But this the BP oil spill we're talking about.  One of, if not THE most mismanaged environmental crises ever seen.

So, naturally, no biggie, right?  I mean, just shoot another public relations commercial in which you say, "my bad" again and perhaps this whole ugly incident will just go away.

Not quite.

Concerned citizens got an attorney involved and the attorney sent out an email asking for tips on how to better get rid of the waste.  No fewer than five companies responded with plans that focused on recycling or reusing the waste.

Hooray, environment!

Er, not so fast.

Surprisingly (and by "surprisingly" I mean "how f*cking typical is this?"), after the attorney forwarded these great, somewhat environmentally-friendly proposals to BP and Waste Management, he received absolutely no response.  Like, whatsoever.  At all.

Ironically, the initial plan detailing clean-up procedures for the spill pointed out that straight disposal of the waste is the "least preferred" method.  According to the plan, BP should look into reducing "the generation of waste in the first place," followed by plans that would "reuse," "recycle" or allow for "treatment" of the waste.

So what is the very last option on the list of "How this Shit Should be Dealt With?"

Disposal.

Guess which option is cheapest?  Here's a hint: It's the one that BP has been doing since the very beginning of this "clean-up" operation and it rhymes with "pisposal."

I particularly liked this little nugget from the CNN article:

"After several rounds of talks with Holleman and county officials, BP and Waste Management agreed last week to stop putting oil waste into the Peca Grove landfill.  Oil that has already been dumped into the landfill will remain there, and the oil in the staging areas will remain in large trash bins for now."

Several things about this stick out to me.  First, it took several rounds of talks for BP to stop doing what is considered the least favorable option on the clean-up plan list.  I would like to hear a replay of Round One:

TOWNFOLK (with heads lowered and hats in hand): "Hey, BP, it would be awesome if you stopped putting toxic waste in the ground, because, you know, it could leak into our soil and ground water supply.  Oh, and also because it's the least preferred method for dealing with this oil spill, which is the largest oil spill into water that has ever occurred...like ever."

BP GOONS (irritated while tapping Bluetooth headsets): "What!?!  Yeah, yeah.  We get it.  Our bad.  We effed up, but we know that.  Haven't you seen our commercials?  I hope you have, because -- Do you know how much it costs to run a national public relations campaign utilizing primetime television spots?  We're not made of money, you know.  Anyway, we already apologized and said that we would do whatever it takes to fix this.  Dumping tar balls is the cheapest method.  Sorry if you don't like it, but you're not the only victims here.  We might not have a profitable quarter for the first time in like...well, a REALLY long time!"

Also, and I'm no engineer mind you, but my overall comfort level with storing a bunch of oil in "large trash bins" is relatively low.  When it comes to collecting rain water or, you know, trash, I'm cool with large trash bins.  But as the cornerstone of your contingency plan for dealing with the mother of all oil spills?  

"Mehh" does not adequately convey my sentiments.  Especially considering tropical storm season in the Gulf is rapidly approaching. 

As for a plan that would turn the waste into asphalt (sweet, more roads for vehicles to drive on!), a BP spokesperson stated, "It's only lately that we had the quantity of that type of waste to execute the test on a larger scale.  So we're really ahead of the curve on that one."

I literally laughed out loud at this.

It's like saying, "so you see, the spill was a good thing, because we can now try out this asphalt conversion thingy on lots of waste instead of just a little bit of waste!  Pretty sweet, eh?  C'mon...give us some dap!"

BP's spokespeople (Spokespersons?  Spokespeeps?  I like "spokespeeps.") spokespeeps also insist that various "green" options have been examined since "very early in the incident."

I imagine it went something like this:

BP BRASS (rubbing his temple and fingering the rim of his eyeglasses): "Well, we're looking kinda bad right about now.  We need to figure out a way to "green" this mother-f*cker up a little bit.  Jim, whatcha got for me, baby?"

JIM (suddenly shifting his attention away from his Twitter page): "Well, sir.  I was in Boston for St. Paddy's last year.  They managed to turn all the beer green simply by adding food coloring to it.  I hear the food coloring is even safe for human consumption."

BP BRASS (impressed and lifting an eyebrow): "I like it.  And people like beer.  Good.  Good.  Anyone else?  Yes, Martha?"

MARTHA (still with raised hand in air): "When I was a girl, this one time I stole my dad's lighter and melted a crayon --"

BP BRASS (intrigued): "Was it a green crayon?"

MARTHA (disappointed): "Well, no, sir.  Not exactly.  It was more of an umber.  I burned it because I don't like that color."

BP BRASS (frustrated): "Damn it!  So, we don't even know if this would work with a green crayon.  Dalton, get some of our R&D guys on this, right away!"

Lastly, another BP spokepeep addressed the issue of "green" clean-up by stating, "It's really the complexity of identifying first which options are reliable and then looking at the regulatory framework and where you can likely employ those.  And then actually running a pilot test and then having a test of sufficient duration to demonstrate that the technology works."

Translation: "So you see, it's all very time and cost-intensive stuff, way beyond the comprehension levels of you ordinary Sarah Palin-Joe Six Pack-types.  Just let us handle this.  It's already been hundreds of days, so there is no need to just rush into something that we know nothing about.  We gotta look at a lotta different things and do some other stuff.  Then we gotta run it up the flagpole with the government and then actually try it out to see if it works.  Green clean-up is just so finicky.  It's much better to go with what we know works to cover up this mess without any regard for future consequences.  And that, ladies and gentlemen, means that pitching tar balls into the backyards of oil spill victims is actually a pretty good way to go."